Col-umn 4
I’d like to begin by apologising for some of the remarks I made in my last column. For example, the suggestion that the British crime writing establishment is plotting with Silicon Valley tech bros to murder me is utterly unfounded. I have absolutely no evidence to support this assertion. (I now accept that a wall full of grainy headshots connected by lines that I myself have drawn does not constitute evidence.)
All I can say is that I wrote the column after a particularly difficult week. I had just received a royalty statement for my critically lauded literary novel, Solstice. For the first time in ten years I appeared to be in receipt of zero earnings from the book. Thinking there must be some mistake, I attempted to contact my agent. When I finally got hold of him, he pretended not to know who I was.
Long story short, I was not in the best place. I hope that you can extend to me the same compassion that my esteemed editor did. His cheery “Don’t worry about it, Col” was a soothing balm poured on my troubled psyche. Though I’m not sure it was necessary to add “No one reads your column anyway”.
Given the offence that my ill-judged comments may have caused, I’d like to devote this month’s column to building bridges.
Now I know that some of my fellow literary authors can be a little snobbish about crime fiction. They point to the two-dimensional stereotypes and clichéd plots and cry “It’s money for old rope, Col!”
But that’s not my position. I have nothing but respect for contemporary crime writers’ ability to wring endless variations out of a few basic tropes. And I sometimes think it must be liberating to write in simplistic micro sentences, using a vocabulary limited to words an intelligent seven-year-old can understand. Perhaps one day I will try it. Strictly as a literary experiment, you understand. I might even put in a few murders.
The more I think about it, the more I like the idea. Imagine it. Me, Col Newton, acclaimed literary author, writing a hard-boiled crime novel! Of course, it would not be a crime novel in any conventional sense. As readers of Solstice will know, I don’t do conventional. (“Startling… and… unconventional…” Literary Review.)
My intention would be to subvert, or possibly transcend, the genre. I would embrace the stale formulae of the typical crime novel only to breathe new life into them. I might even put in a metafictional appearance myself as one of the characters. (Hat tip to Martin Amis.)
And to all crime writers reading this, I say: Let’s bury the hatchet. Though preferably not in the back of my head.

Read Col’s previous columns here
Cover Story by RN Morris is published by Sharpe Books